The Blaming Game.

Many times over I have heard, friends and people that I love, speak of good things, always with a 'but' at the end of their sentences: 'I had a nice day but...' 'I had a nice vacation but...' 'He's a good boyfriend but...' and it all remind me of the person I once was.

I remember a time when I, myself, used to use blame others and everything I could, in order to justify my reasons. Parents, job, family, partner, friends, children, government, economical situation, heritage, my home, my income, my car, the weather....anything would do, whatever reason I could find in order to take the focus of what the 'real' problem was.

It was a comfortable place to hide, to avoid the truth, a truth that patiently and silently waited for me to finally have the courage to face it.

As a child I never saw myself over 35 years old. Aging has never scared, for me it was a sign that I had survived the tumultuous early years....and as I age I am glad to see that some kind of crazy wisdom is making me company in my early 'old years'. Today I realize that all the blame was just a big waste of time. Blaming others and the circumstances that I've, ironically, many times put myself in, was just a waste of everyone's time.

As I look back and see things much more clear now than I did then, I see that I let fear dictate most of my actions growing up, fear to be alone, fear to be abandoned, fear to have another parent walk away without ever looking back, fear to be hungry again, fear that others could see the life me and my siblings lived and judge or take us away, fear of not having friends, fear of never being happy, fear of not being accepted by who I was...and the list goes on. Fear had created a whole 'persona' inside and I let it dominate my young years with its loud voice echoing inside.

Blaming others for what I did or for what I didn't was just a way to keep looking at external factors in order to find an explanation for my own unhappiness or frustration. Blaming others didn't change and will never change others, didn't change the fear inside, it didn't make others act or behave differently, it didn't change ME.

In few occasions, I was even successful making others feel guilty or sorry for something they did, but even then I would be 'happy' for a little while and then, like an 'addiction', I had to find something or someone else to blame...However, there was always a little voice inside that would remind me that the cause of my unhappiness was within myself, not outside.

Life has taught me, not too long ago, that I experience and live with the 'monsters' I create with my own hands. That the only way to change the outcome of my experiences is changing myself. Facing my own fears, changing the way I behave, the way I respond to things that happens to me, changing even the circle of people most close to me.

Stopping this belief that the world revolves around me, that I am that important, that everyone else on the planet has it better than I do, learning that all that happens is not, necessarily, personal and direct at me - wow, even as I write this, it sounds so farfetched that someone can think this way - Life has taught me that an honest eye to eye conversation - with myself and others - might not be the easy thing to do when we hurt but it can avoid deep scars and a life of what ifs.

Learning to silence my mind and dealing with my fears one by one, letting them finally rest, having a cold look inside myself and being my own critic, pointing fingers at my own mistakes, behaviors and thoughts, accepting responsibility for what I have done, or not done, then learning to respect other's choices, and walk away when they still have their own lessons to learn, loving and respecting myself first, standing up for my dreams and goals, understanding and forgiving myself.

Learning that forgiveness has a healing power so immense that can transform a life. To say 'I am sorry' and 'I forgive you' has helped me heal my soul and mind. It has taught me that I am capable of making a difference, if not in someone else's life, I most certainly can make a difference in my own life.

N. Cardoso 05/10/2012

2 Years After Thoughts for a New Day

Once upon a time I used to go to a place that was my utmost favorite, it was 'The Place' I would go to recharge, think, talk quietly with myself, listen and usually ignore what my instincts was saying, because it was not what I wanted to hear.  

I haven't been there for 3 years - as of next week. Not because of the place itself, but because I have been afraid of the memories this place would bring back. I wasn't sure I was ready for it.

Memories of times spend with someone who is not a part of my life any longer, memories of many empty promises made by someone who I believed would be part of my life for the long haul, anyhow, all that it is now gone, and amazingly enough, it seems unimportant on the big scheme of things that came to pass. Unfortunately, for a very long while, I associate the place to a person.

Well, much water has passed under that bridge, and even tough I have not yet published everything I have written during this time, I decided to publish this. I though it was appropriate since I just published a post written a little over two years ago - Thoughts for a New Day - when I was still free-falling to the cold dark bottom, broken so badly that, I thought then, I was beyond repair. This has been a 3 long yet amazing years on the process of rebuilding myself.

When I left my home this morning, I had no plans whatsoever to go there, I got into the car with the sole intent of going for a hike and take some pictures. There was no set destination as I drove out of my driveway, just a desire to enjoy a beautiful Fall day. After going to a couple of places, taking some photos, it took me by surprise as I realized that I was there, right at the place I loved going to.

Oh my, it felt like so many years ago. The parking lot right in front of me, inviting me in and so I decided to enter. As I parked the car I realized that the time had finally came for me to overcome that "forbidden place" mentality and go for a walk.

It just took a meager couple of minutes to realize that I, and no one else, have created this taboo about the park. The joy I used to feel was still there. As I took the first steps and saw the monarch butterflies playing under the sun, I could smell the brine of the ocean which brought back to memory the reason why this place was chosen as my refuge. It reminded me that it was my favorite place, before and in spite of any of those memories were built, and it was time to remove the tainted association from it and start enjoying it again.

I walked the couple of miles, all the way to the inlet where I used to take a break, sit and picnic. It took me completely by surprise to see the transformation that had occurred.

The path that used to be a narrow one, with a rocky beach in one side and 8+ feet high dunes on the other side, was much different now. The dunes were gone ~ maybe swept away by Hurricane Irene last year ~ and like on a strange co-relation, I saw my favorite place, much like the 'me' walking there today completely transformed.

The landscape had become this flat open scenery where, I now could see far into the horizon. The little and peaceful river branch that used to be hidden by the tall dunes, was wide exposed, easy to see from the ocean side. The narrow path was now wide and open, covered with soft white sand.

As I walk down this so familiar path, this new environment made me think about the person I've become. This place and I were completely and profoundly changed. Our old appearance have drastically changed.. Yes the important things are still there, the sand-my beliefs, the river-my dreams, the ocean-my soul, yet we were forever transformed.

The open and clear horizon, even though it seem serene and peaceful now, still holds fresh signs of the path taken by the storm. I can clearly see what areas have been affected by it, what has happened and how it molded and reshaped the old land into this new scenery. The changes occurred have left its scars, and only if one knew the place before one would be able to see the change that has happened.

My little inlet, as well my own landscape, have been completely redesigned, from what looked set and secure, to a brand new, creatively beautiful and simple wide open world.

Even tough it took a strong storm, which have destroyed many things on its way, it had also created all the beauty of today, all the new life I see at this time. For sure it is different from the beauty of before, but somehow it is even more harmonious and peaceful.

The tall dunes always made me aware that an animal could come from behind it; I had always made me, walking along the path, to be aware of the possibility of an expected surprise lurking behind those tall dunes, they made impossible for me to see what the paths that were behind them.

Now, as I walked down the old and familiar path, I can just enjoy the view, the whole path of this little journey is now, open wide, right in front of me, there was no more risk of the unknown, I could see far and wide into the distant horizon.

Changes were visible, scars were all around. The piping plovers were gone, their nest and sheltered area completely destroyed. The marsh between the inlet and the ocean washed away. The soft little beach area where I used to swim, now sinks about 4.5 feet down below surrounded by sand walls that exquisitely surrounds the body of water, as to remind us of the big transformation that has taken place, at the same time it protects the new, still fragile landscape from the rushing hi-tide flooding the whole area again. The inlet opening ~ which connects the two bodies of land ~ that was, in the past impossible to cross, is now much smaller and allows me do cross from one side to the other during the low tide, just walking across.

However, like anything in nature, all the surroundings have adapted to the new design. The birds found a new nesting area, the marsh is growing fresh and filled with life on the other side of the river, the ocean water found new grounds to flood when the hi-tide comes in, also creating a brand new habitat filled with life that was not there before, and on things go as they might.

As I reached the inlet, I sat there, soaking in all the changes and beauty. the co-relation between my little paradise and my own little life was astonishing. It made me finally realize that the eye of the storm has passed and we have both survived.

My redesign took 3 years, almost to the date, to become what it is today, but like it did with my little sanctuary, it has created new curves and lines on the shore. It is again renewed, reborn, filled with life, hopes and possibilities.

Being able to sit there and see the rush of the ocean in one side, and the serene curves and water of the inlet on the other, taught me that opposites can co-exist.

I have a need for passion and at the same time I am on a quest for balance, this new scenery showed me that I can have both as long I can understand and respect its limitations, weakness and strengths. Sometimes the passion (ocean) has to come and take control the balance (river) and then some other times the river (balance) has to push the ocean (passion) away to allow life to emerge.

There is a subtle balance between the rush and openness of the ocean and the serene peace and quiet of the little inlet. I realize that changes don't have always to be a bad things and I can have both passion and balance in my life.

I figure that our new design works perfectly with the life we now live. It is filled with a unique beauty. It has interest, designs, lots of character and charm and an immense array of possibilities.

It becomes clear that everything is now okay and the only memories I have left of this place, are the memories of peace, rebirth, joy and happiness.

Looking at this exceptional change I am certain that I, like this little paradise, have changed and became a new and enhanced version of my old self. The horizon is open and clear as far as my eyes can see. The path, I now take, is open, wide and sunshine bright and clear right in front of me.

Well, the point of this post is to show that, no matter where you are, no matter how far you believe tomorrow is, how much it feels that this pain will never leave, how hard is to believe that you will stand up again, just be patient, take time to meditate, take more time to breathe, be lovingly and forgiven with yourself, let time do what it does best, allow that a new landscape brings all back to life, learn the lesson in your way and be ready for that day when you just open your eyes and discover that it is all okay and life is just a wonderful thing and it is worth to be lived at its fullest.

"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability…To be alive is to be vulnerable." ~ Madeleine L’Engle

by N. Cardoso 10/07/2012

A magic moment!

I woke up this morning and between that little moment before the dream's memories goes away and the reality sets in, I hear birds chirping as the sun rises, the day gets brighter almost by the second. The sound of the ocean waves smoothly playing with the rocks and pebbles on the beach comes to me through my bedroom windows. The brine smell creeps in and reminds me of how blessed I am. The sweet perfume of wild roses swirling awakens my senses.

I throw my legs up in the air and push the covers away, just to feel the morning chill in the air in my still warm body...I pull them back quickly, all the way up to my neck and snuggle under it for a little bit more. I smile because that peaceful moment plays with my head, reminding me of days thata are long gone, giving an extra special meaning to this peaceful moment...I avoid putting my feet on the floor for as long I possibly can because once I do, this special time will be over, and all the daily routines must start. 

'You've got to get up every morning with determination, if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction' - the quote from Geoge Lorimer comes to my awaking mind, and I think: it's another wonderful day for the living and I am looking forward to all the wonderful promises and adventures this day has in store for me.

It's Monday, my friends, enjoy this day like no other. Make this a day to be remembered on the days to come. Have a magnificent day! 

N. Cardoso 06/18/2012

What is Happiness?

by Daisaku Ikeda

What is the purpose of life?

It doesn't matter what your answer is in the and it all boils to one simple and common answer.

It is to become happy.

Whatever country or society people live in, they all have the same deep desire: to become happy. Yet, there are few ideals as difficult to grasp as that of happiness. In our daily life we constantly experience happiness and unhappiness, but we are still quite ignorant as to what happiness really is.

 

The secret of happiness lay in building a strong inner self that no trial or hardship could ruin. Happiness for anyone - man or woman - does not come simply from having a formal education, from wealth, having power or from marriage. It begins with having the strength to confront and conquer one's own weaknesses. Only then does it become possible to lead a truly happy life and enjoy a successful relationship with others.

Happiness doesn't exist in the past or in the future. It only exists within our state of life right now, here in the present, as we face the challenges of daily life.

You know best whether you are feeling joy or struggling with suffering. These things are not known to other people. Even a man who has great wealth and social recognition may still be shadowed by indescribable suffering deep in his heart. On the other hand, an elderly woman who is not fortunate financially, leading a simple life alone, may feel the sun of joy and happiness rising in her heart each day.

Happiness is not a life without problems, but rather the strength to overcome the problems that come our way. There is no such thing as a problem-free life; difficulties are unavoidable. But how we experience, confront and react to our problems depends on us.

Buddhism teaches that we are each responsible for our own happiness or unhappiness. Our vitality - the amount of energy or "life-force" we have - is in fact the single most important factor in determining whether or not we are happy.

True happiness is to be found within, in the state of our hearts. It does not exist on the far side of some distant mountains. It is within you, yourself. However much you try, you can never run away from yourself. And if you are weak, incapable to deal with your own vulnerabilities and mistakes, suffering will follow you wherever you go. You will never find happiness if you don't challenge your weaknesses and change yourself from within.

Happiness is to be found in the dynamism and energy of your own life as you struggle to overcome one obstacle after another. This is why I believe that a person who is active, free from fear and strong to stand for his/her faith and belief is truly happy.

The challenges we face in life can be compared to a tall mountain, rising before a mountain climber. For someone who has not trained properly, whose muscles and reflexes are weak and slow, every inch of the climb will be filled with terror and pain. The exact same climb, however, will be a thrilling journey for someone who is prepared, whose legs and arms have been strengthened by constant training. With each step forward and up, beautiful new views will come into sight.

A teacher used to talk about two kinds of happiness - "relative" and "absolute" happiness. Relative happiness is happiness that depends on things outside ourselves: friends and family, surroundings, the size of our home or family income.

This is what we feel when a desire is fulfilled, or something we have longed for is obtained. While the happiness such things bring us is certainly real, the fact is that none of this lasts forever. Things change. People change. This kind of happiness shatters easily when external conditions alter.

Relative happiness is also based on comparison with others. We may feel this kind of happiness at having a newer or bigger home than the neighbors. But that feeling turns to misery the moment they start making new additions to theirs!

Absolute happiness, on the other hand, is something we must find within. It means establishing a state of life in which we are never defeated by trials and where just being alive is a source of great joy. This persists no matter what we might be lacking, or what might happen around us. A deep sense of joy is something which can only exist in the innermost reaches of our life, and which cannot be destroyed by any external forces. It is eternal and inexhaustible.

This kind of satisfaction is to be found in consistent and repeated effort, so that we can say, "Today, again, I did my very best. Today, again, I have no regrets. Today, again, I won." The accumulated result of such efforts is a life of great victory.

What we should compare is not ourselves against others. We should compare who we are today against who we were yesterday, who we are today against who we will be tomorrow. While this may seem simple and obvious, true happiness is found in a life of constant advancement. And the same worries that could have made us miserable can actually be a source of growth when we approach them with courage and wisdom.

The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life. ~Muhammad Ali

N. Cardoso - 08/2010

Loving what we do!

 

The first thing to remember is that we must be satisfied with our work, knowing that we've done the best we could do with what we had to work with at the time. Know that, if we're worth our salt, we'll always wish we could do more, improve, become more proficient at our craft or skill.

Those who do good work of any kind always seem to be seeking that next mountain to climb, that next challenge that takes them to another creative level. It is crucial to find satisfaction in our work at this time and at this stage of our development. Be gentle and generous with ourselves. Give credit where credit is due. Do not let that inner voice of censorship overwhelm us with self-defeating criticism.

Be thankful that a task have been completed and then move on. Let's remember that this is one step in a long process. We do not fall or stand by one project, this is not a "make or break" - this is a signpost, a landmark on a long journey. If we look at successful people, we'll see that the majority work patiently at what they do over the long term.

We'll find that everyone has their ups and downs, but it's one who keep going that get somewhere. Trust the process.

Loving what we do, giving ourselves permission to do something for the sheer love of it. When love is our motivation, others opinions matter less. The fire is generated from inside, from the center of our hearts.

Love is the compass that guides us across the desert stretches and through the howling wilderness. If we love what we do, we will be able to move beyond our own fears and the negative opinions and actions of others. There is no substitute for passionate and heartfelt belief.

'The best picture has not yet been painted; the greatest poem is still unsung; the mightiest novel remains to be written; the divinest music has not been conceived even by Bach. In science, probably ninety-nine percent of the knowable has not yet been discovered' - L. Steffens    

Reposted on May /2010

What do We Really NEED?

      

Today, after a number of days of a persistent rain, the sun finally came out this afternoon. It feels good to open the windows and doors, to go out and sit on the deck and look at the blue skies.

When I sit here, looking around me and absorbing all the beauty around me, I ponder about how blessed I am. I have lovely, respectful and successful children, I have two wonderful ex-husbands that regardless of our ended marriages we are still good friends. They were and still are an important part of my life and we all have a harmonious relationship. I had and still have friends that are worth having.

I live on this little loft on the beach, its peace and quiet has taught me in abundance what the true meaning of solitude is. I have learned to enjoy it. When I am out on a busy day filled with appointments and driving, when I feel like I am getting overwhelmed, I close my eyes for a second, take a deep breath and think about home, think about my little paradise, my flowers, the birds, frogs and all that is waiting for me after a long day.

My home is just big enough to welcome friends and family, a large deck oversees Buzzards Bay and on clear days I can see Martha's Vineyards, a large front yard and beach frontage allows me to entertain, have fun and enjoy people I love, yet is small enough that at the end of the day they can't overstay their welcome.

It just works perfect for me. Don't take me wrong I wonder what will happen when grandkids finally arrive and I want to spend more time with them? I think about them and I guess in a way I even dream about them...I know there are still another 6 years to go or so that's what my children tell me, they tell me to chill out and be patient, Ha!!! looks like they forgot who they are talking to. But I know all will come in its own time and when that time come I will be ready, one way or another.

Anyhow I don't mean that people shouldn't worry or care about having nice things. I, myself, love beautiful things, I say that I was born a millionaire but they forgot to tell the rest of the world about it. You know millionaire taste on a salary budget, however I am glad that over the years I came to learn that what makes a house a home has nothing to do with nice and expensive furniture and accessories. It is not all the stuff we can fill a house with that we value in the end.

What really matters is the space we create in our hearts for friends and family, is to see friends coming over and feeling comfortable enough to rest their feet on the coffee table, or take their shoes off and cross their legs on the couch, or go and browse the fridge themselves or see that they know where to find the beach towels.

The pleasure I feel inside every time a loved one does that, makes me realize that I might not have it all, that life might still have a lot of things, good and bad to bring to my plate, that many surprises will come but here and now I am happy and fulfilled, that at this moment I have achieved the simple and satisfying life I always wanted.

When, on days like today, after few days of intermittent rain, I come outside and look at this view, I realize that nothing can be that bad...every bump, every hill, every falling down are just little temporary hiccups along the path, all will be fine, just breathe, take all in and move forward towards the bright future that lies right ahead.

N. Cardoso 05/23/2012

Surrendering to Resistence

One of my new goals is to stop resisting to changes, to stop being my old self and allow new and refreshing changes and updates to happen, a 2.0 version of myself if you will.

In order to fulfill this plan I have stabilised that I will start every day, from now on, taking an hour or two before my day start with clients and to-do lists, and take time to do things for myself, to feed my soul, body and mind with things that's nourish and helps me grow as a person, as a woman, as a being. In order to achieve this goal I am waking up earlier than usual so I can accommodate this to my schedule without interfering with my regular daily activities.

My intention is to start the day with some positive readings, songs, relaxation and meditation. Yes I can do it all, I just manage the time. When I have two hours I take half hour for each task, some days I just have an hour then I just adapt and spend 15 minutes on each task.

On my search to enlighthenment and improvement I have found many sites and blogs that helped me to look inward and see the person I was, what I didn't like and take the innitiative to change it. I am, after all, the only person I can truly change.

Anyhow one of the sites I found, has thoughts that inspires me and sets the background for my mind to flow and self-analyze itself. It's called Tiny Tiny Buddha. You will see many of their posts, if not completely reposted, inspired by the thoughts their posts have infused my mind with on this intriguing journey to my self awakening. Reading, listening and surrounding yourself with positive thinking and energy helps tremendously on this path. Find your way, whatever that migh be and hold on to it. We all need some kind of suport when we start doing something new, it might be awkward, uncomfortable even but like in anything in life, practice makes perfect and the comfortable and control of your thoughts and feeling can be learned and performed by anyone that really wants to change themselves and I do belileve in that truth. So here I am, baby steps, hold on to all the suport I can to keep my legs straight and avoid to fall back into the whole I am finally trying to get out of.

I am a believer that life gives us clues and signs everywhere, if only we are willing to open your eyes, silence your mind and listen to them. I grab onto my clues and try diligently to change the pattern of my own life, to make it from a patchwork of circumstances and accidental events into something that I can control and change the ending. It surprises me to see how the words and thought I need in order to evolve comes to me from all types of different resources and people. It surprises me still to see that whatever was that I was thinking the days or nights before, what the next step would be then I get the idea, the clue I was looking for on a song, on a blog, on a conversation with a friend.

This is my life, I am the author of this adventure and I have the power, all inside myself, to change the ending to a happy and fulfilling ending, to make it exactly what I want it to be.

So, this is an insert of the blog I read this morning.

How often have we tried to control and confine life, living according to old rules, ideas, and expectations? I've wasted so much time and energy on proving I was right, on resisting change, and trying to hold on to the past long after it was time to let it go. It took me a long time to become conscious that another way was possible - a more flexible and easy way to approach life. I have learned that there is a great power in living in the flow.

Like a river, the life force must find its own way. There is something deep within that urges us to grow and evolve, to expand and to move beyond the limits of the way we were. We grow and evolve through different stages of life. Though a mother may adore the cuddly child, the nature of childhood is growth, expansion, and movement toward adulthood. It would be unnatural to try to stop the child from growing into an adult. As adults, we, too, are always going through stages of growth and change. Time moves on even when we wish it would stand still. The wisest course of action is to savor the moment and then release it, trusting that the next moment will bring its own gifts into our lives.

Sometimes we try to force things to happen. Yet our anxiety and urgency block the very flow we desire. The ego loves to control, confine, define. But freedom of the spirit moves according to a deeper wisdom.

'The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.'

Flowing with life is not merely a passive allowing. Just as a farmer prepares the soil, plants the seeds, waters and cultivates the land, and does his daily work, so we do what we can do to create the optimum conditions for what we desire. It is the life force within the seed and the seed's partnership with the elements that create the magic of growth and fruition. The farmer does not have to stand in the field, grunting and groaning, trying to make the seeds grow. He plants the seeds and trust its nature to fulfill its destiny. We too, can plant and cultivate our seeds of faith and watch them grow according to a greater wisdom than we can yet imagine.

The more we resist, the harder life is. If we are willing to be flexible and open, we'll discover a gentle strength greater than we could have imagined in our earlier power struggles. Surrender to resistance. Go with the flow. And let it lead us into a more fulfilling adventures.

'Those who don't feel this life pulling them like a river, those who don't drink dawn like a cup of spring water or take in a sunset like supper, those who don't want to change, let them sleep.' Rumi

N. Cardoso May/2010 

We Can Choose Success, So How Come, Sometimes We Choose Failure?

I woke up this morning. and as always, while still laying in bed, even before opening my eyes, I just run my plans and thoughts for the day. I have had so far a very good year and few more closings to happen withing the next month - I am a Real Estate Professional and, as such, living sctrictly out of  commissions  -  however there is nothing on the pipeline for August and the following months, so, no wonder, my thoughts this morning was that I have to reach out and get my buyers buying.

Well, to make a long history short, after doing the work that goes into prospecting, brainstorming it is now almost 9 pm and I got 3 buyers ready to start looking at houses this weekend, planning to buy by August the latest.

Wow, what a sense of accomplishment! I believe that if we have well defined dreams and goals and  work courageously towards them they WILL HAPPEN....I have never experienced an effort towards a dream that didn't work yet I so easily get distracted and out of this path that I know brings the results my heart desires.

How come that even knowing the road to success we, sometimes, go back to the old and comfortable habits that brings us nowhere? I am finding out that, like anything in life, this is an exercise that must be practiced every day, every hour of my day, every minute of my day. This is something I have to learn to focus on and go back to right away when my eyes and thoughs get distracted by something else.

"We must look for ways to be an active force in our own lives. We must take charge of our own destinies, design a life of substance and truly begin to live our dreams." Les Brown

N.Cardoso 06/2010

Holy Cow, It's Friday and Sunny!

      

I have to confess, I do have periods when I am down, depressed, miserable, wanting to be alone, and sad. Gray and rainny days have this affect on me. I believe we all deserve to feel like that once in a while. I believe it's part of the scale of happiness and a balanced life.

I heard it’s healthy. I also know I am the one who gets myself out of this funk and puts me on the path of happiness over again. If I had to depend on others to do this, I would never be happy. Knowing that gives me comfort to feel down sometimes, because I know exactly where my happiness comes from, I know how to tap into the foutain that makes me whole again, it lays right here, inside of me. I only look to others to feed on their positivity. This is called helping each other, novel thought, huh?

Have a fantastic day and remember, only you can control down times. When they come be generous, be patient, be understanding, be forgiving, be gentle with yourself. Remember that after the each storm, each rainy day there will always be a sunny and bright sky waiting for you.

To quote the old time Cubs announcer, Harry Cary, “HOLY COW”, IT’S FRIDAY AND SUNNY. Talk about a pick me up. That will do it every time.Have a wonderful day!

N. Cardoso - Inspired by a thought from Tony Bovi.

The Blaming Game

Many times over I have heard, friends and people that I love, speak of good things, always with a 'but' at the end of their sentences: 'I had a nice day but...' 'I had a nice vacation but...' 'He's a good boyfriend but...' and it all remind me of the person I once was.

I remember a time when I, myself, used to use blame others and everything I could, in order to justify my reasons. Parents, job, family, partner, friends, children, government, economical situation, heritage, my home, my income, my car, the weather....anything would do, whatever reason I could find in order to take the focus of what the 'real' problem was.

It was a comfortable place to hide, to avoid the truth, a truth that patiently and silently waited for me to finally have the courage to face it.

As a child I never saw myself over 35 years old. Aging has never scared, for me it was a sign that I had survived the tumultuous early years....and as I age I am glad to see that some kind of crazy wisdom is making me company in my early 'old years'. Today I realize that all the blame was just a big waste of time. Blaming others and the circumstances that I've, ironically, many times put myself in, was just a waste of everyone's time.

As I look back and see things much more clear now than I did then, I see that I let fear dictate most of my actions growing up, fear to be alone, fear to be abandoned, fear to have another parent walk away without ever looking back, fear to be hungry again, fear that others could see the life me and my siblings lived and judge or take us away, fear of not having friends, fear of never being happy, fear of not being accepted by who I was...and the list goes on.

Fear had created a whole 'persona' inside and I let it dominate my young years with its loud voice echoing inside.

Blaming others for what I did or for what I didn't was just a way to keep looking at external factors in order to find an explanation for my own unhappiness or frustration. Blaming others didn't change and will never change others, didn't change the fear inside, it didn't make others act or behave differently, it didn't change ME.

In few occasions, I was even successful making others feel guilty or sorry for something they did, but even then I would be 'happy' for a little while and then, like an 'addiction', I had to find something or someone else to blame...However, there was always a little voice inside that would remind me that the cause of my unhappiness was within myself, not outside.

Life has taught me, not too long ago, that I experience and live with the 'monsters' I create with my own hands. That the only way to change the outcome of my experiences is changing myself. Facing my own fears, changing the way I behave, the way I respond to things that happens to me, changing even the circle of people most close to me.

Stopping this belief that the world revolves around me, that I am that important, that everyone else on the planet has it better than I do, learning that all that happens is not, necessarily, personal and direct at me - wow, even as I write this, it sounds so farfetched that someone can think this way - Life has taught me that an honest eye to eye conversation - with myself and others - might not be the easy thing to do when we hurt but it can avoid deep scars and a life of what ifs.

Learning to silence my mind and dealing with my fears one by one, letting them finally rest, having a cold look inside myself and being my own critic, pointing fingers at my own mistakes, behaviors and thoughts, accepting responsibility for what I have done, or not done, then learning to respect other's choices, and walk away when they still have their own lessons to learn, loving and respecting myself first, standing up for my dreams and goals, understanding and forgiving myself.

Learning that forgiveness has a healing power so immense that can transform a life. To say 'I am sorry' and 'I forgive you' has helped me heal my soul and mind. It has taught me that I am capable of making a difference, if not in someone else's life, I most certainly can make a difference in my own life.

N. Cardoso 05/10/2012